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Thursday, 7 February 2013

To answer the person who wanted to know why I don't post photos of myself

To answer the person who wanted to know why I don't post photos of myself:

Whenever I look at mt kids, or at photos of them I am always amazed by how gorgeous they are (I am admittedly biased here). Very little is more flattering to me than saying my daughter looks like me- my son is a spitting image of That Guy. I would love to post for you a photo of myself with my daughter to show you that Audrey and I do have some very similar features. But I cannot. There are almost no photos of me after my wedding day over six years ago, and next to none of me with my daughter. There has not been a willing photograph taken of me in over a year.

If anyone ever points out that I am absent from all "family" photos, or when my mother requests a photo with me in it, I always laugh it off. "Haha, I'm a mom," I say, "I'm always the one making sure the photo gets taken by being behind the camera".   And although there is a nugget of truth to that, its not really the whole truth.  Its really not an over sight that only a photo of the kids is included in our Christmas cards, or that even in my Google Plus profile photo you cannot see anything but my face.

I have an embarrassing confession, gentle readers.  I'm fat. oh, medically I am still in the range of "healthy body weight",(barely)  but its still true. My clothes don't fit nicely and I am awkward and uncomfortable in my skin.  I can pretend that its for budget reasons that I dont buy clothes, but its because a fitting room can bring tears to my eyes and Id rather avoid the whole experience.

Both being fat and hating it are things that need to stop. I read stories of women who learn to embrace themselves for all their perceived flaws and how empowering it is. I know full well how damaging my self issues can become to both my children and the children I care for professionally. I am inspired equally by stories of physical body transformations as by stories of personal transformation through self love.

My children are too bright, too sweet for me to allow them to become side tracked or overwhelmed by body issues.   I need to teach them to appreciate their bodies and care for them with respect.
  I get all revved up, don my running shoes and hit the pavement. It all goes great until I see a woman one third my size zoom past me. I am not her, I cannot be her. Compared to her I must look downright comical thundering down the sidewalk. The embarrassment creeps up, my cheeks flush and I slink home doing my best to be invisible along the way. I have avoided getting together with friends I haven't seen in a while. I know they will talk after about how much weight I have gained. But I'm also worried that my gaining weight might cloud them against seeing what else I have gained....a family, precious friends, my businesses, a bit of wisdom.

So, in conclusion, there are no photos of me because my double chin is hidden behind the keyboard and people hear me better when their minds are not shouting "wow! she really let herself go!"  One day I am going to have the courage and strength of character to let that woman run past me and not have it affect me. But until I can get there, I am still here without a photo.


  1. I'm not sure you are aware that your facebook is an open page, and you can search your name and see full body photos of you. I've been reading your blog for a few days now, and will stop today. I am disgusted that you would call yourself fat, right here on the internet without any thought as to who could be reading this and how your statements could make them feel. I am MUCH bigger than you, and would be so embarrassed to stand next to you, knowing that you think YOU are fat. My, you'd think I was a whale. How insensitive of you to say such a thing when you are nowhere NEAR fat.

  2. I am sorry to hear that my honest opinion of myself has offended you so much. My opinion of me, and my feelings about my body were not related to you in any way shape or form. In the same way that I might feel frustrated with my wavy hair one day and then find myself admiring someone else's wavy hair style the next.
    This was an honest piece written from my heart. Its not only about my physical body. As stated its about how I feel in my skin. How I self perceive and the goals and struggles that go with that.
    This post was written to answer a question someone had asked me, and I felt it deserved an honest answer. It would be unfair to my readers and untruthful to my heart to give a different answer to that question because there might be someone heavier than myself reading this.
    I certainly do not wander around making judgement calls on other peoples bodies. I would not appreciate it if someone did that to me either.
    If I stated I had green eyes and wished they were blue I would by no means be insulting anyone with brown eyes. Or blue, or green, or grey or hazel.